I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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