I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize