man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
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