You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
