Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
