I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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