remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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