apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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