I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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