I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
