o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
My balls are so social today.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Randomize
