Having a random hookup so left but love u
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
