Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
