The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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