That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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