btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize