ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
