your parents love me but you hate me
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
