dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
