Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
ps... at the end of one of the videos you yell "let's do the eiffel tower again.. i'll be in the middle!" .. i almost died lolol
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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