no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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