what if every blade of grass was a penis?
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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