i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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