My liver just broke up with me...
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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