Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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