Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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