dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Randomize
