Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
