just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
