Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
