I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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