dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize