I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
