This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
