is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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