i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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