I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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