you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
he high fived his dick after we had sex
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
