dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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