mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
