Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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