...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
