I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
