im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
