there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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