Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
