just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Randomize
