I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
