Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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