i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
