im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
