We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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