He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
