how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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