As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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