Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
