If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
