I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
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