Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
