I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
