I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Randomize