I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
