Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
