highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
